Understanding Grief: Navigating the Complex Journey of Loss and Healing

Grief.  What is it?  It’s painful, but what exactly is it?  Is it depression?  Is it a mental health disorder?  This is the question many need answered.  One thing we all agree upon is that grief is a powerful emotion that makes your heart hurt; it makes you experience fears you never knew existed and turns your bright days into gray clouds. What you’re about to read is not a technical article written from peer-reviewed articles full of research.  This is written from the heart of a person who has experienced grief and another going through the same thing. So forgive me if this doesn’t sound like an academic paper. I hope that reading this will help you feel less alone, a little less ‘crazy,’ and a little more hopeful. Ok, let’s return to the first question: what is grief? Grief is an emotional response to the loss of someone or something.  You can grieve the loss of a loved one,  the loss of a pet,  a job,  your identity, or even your marriage. In 2020, the world grieved the loss of our freedoms, and some of us grieved the loss of friendships, not to death but to politics. Everyone has experienced a loss; no one is immune, and no grief is worse than another.  What do I mean by that?  If I lost my house, but you lost your husband, does that make my grief less legitimate?  That answer is no.  Loss is loss,  no matter what the loss is.  It will still be expressed through your emotional response to the loss.  Don’t minimize your loss because you think your loss is “ not as bad as someone else’s.” Grief can present in so many ways.  One day,  you’re crying; the next, you’re angry. The closer the loss is to you,  the greater the response.  Some days, you may not want to get out of bed; others, you realize that you haven’t thought about that person or that pet, and you feel guilty.  Your emotions will be everywhere, but they are not abnormal.  Grief is not a disorder.  It’s a fact of life.  Another common grief is grief after retirement because your purpose has been taken from you. Many in the military experience great loss after retiring because of a loss of community and status.  Loss isn’t only about people.  Remember,  it’s the loss of anything that mattered to you. Even those things that forged your identity. Your response to a loss is not in a textbook.  There is no “proper way to grieve.”   One thing I do know is that grief forces us to adapt to a new normal.  We must pick up the pieces of our lives and create a new beginning without that person, pet, military career,  or marriage.  That’s the hard part: starting over.  This is where grace comes in.  Don’t be too hard on yourself.  The job of creating a new normal is not an easy task.  You have to answer questions like, who am I? Where do I go from here?  How can I live without that person? And that takes time and patience. This season, we need others; doing it alone is not the answer.  In isolation,  the gray clouds turn into black clouds because our only support is the negative voices in our heads.  The voices only tell you the problems,  never the solutions.  When the only comfort we have is ourselves,  comfort never comes. Finding support is important. This season, looking for support groups, good friends, in-person or online therapy, health professionals, or retirement buddies will be key.  Talking to someone who has experienced the same loss and made it through will give you perspective and hope. There are other things you can do to help you in this season. If it’s a death loss you’re grieving, you can create a memory board, write a letter to the one you lost,  or visit the gravesite and let them know how you’re doing.  If your faith has particular rituals around lost loved ones,  now is the time to tap into your faith.  If the loss is not a death loss,  you can write a letter to yourself in the future and speak life and hope into your future self. Don’t forget to tell yourself about the pain and fears as well.  The letter should include both the present pain and the future hope. Believe it or not,  there is hope.  Even when your heart tells you there isn’t any.  There is hope after death, a divorce, and a loss of identity.  It’s going to take time, but hope will come.  Your new normal will bring new life.  If you just experienced a loss,  this may seem impossible.  It’s hard to imagine life without that person, status, spouse; but it will come, I promise. I wish I could write an article that says, “5 Simple Steps to Navigate Grief Towards Acceptance,” but I can’t.  Grief is a process, and it takes time.  Your timeline is your timeline.  Don’t let others tell you when your process should be over.  Don’t feel guilty because “you should be over this by now.”  There is no perfect grief process.  Grief is messy.  It doesn’t listen to our brains when we tell it we’re tired of grieving.  It just is what it is.  It’s painful, difficult, and hard.  In the end, you will get through it.  Grief doesn’t last forever.  You may miss the person for the rest of your life, but the powerful emotions of overwhelming sadness, anger, guilt, lethargy, frustration, hopelessness, and fear will lessen.  One day, you’ll look up to see the sunshine again.  The dark clouds turn gray, and the gray clouds turn white.  One day, you realize that the white clouds let in the sunshine, and you will notice that the loss has been integrated and there is hope. In navigating life’s challenges, remember that you possess the resilience to persevere. Even amid the bleakest moments, your journey continues, step by step. Each day presents an opportunity for growth and renewal as you draw upon coping strategies and find moments of joy amidst the reality of your circumstances. Through practices like meditation and seeking support from others, you can navigate the terrain of anxiety and stress, creating a safe space for relaxation and introspection. Trust in your ability to overcome obstacles, finding solace in nature’s embrace and the rhythm of your path forward. If you have walked through a season of grief and this no longer applies,  encourage someone else in their season.  Together, we can navigate the waters of our losses and get to the other side. Finally, I leave you with this:   “Healing is a journey measured in moments, not a destination reached by the clock.” – author unknown.